Another post I may share a bit of what is going on but for today I can only say that I am waiting, waiting and waiting for information that will be life changing. Life changing for me personally, for our family but also for specific individuals also involved. I am waiting for information that can potentially be amazing! Information that could make my heart fill with happiness, joy and love. Unfortunately, it is very unlikely that is the news I will hear. So, if it's not the news I am hoping to hear I am afraid my world will come crashing down around me. I know that sounds dramatic...trust me, I've been living the drama for days now.
I have been struggling with a heavy heart...I know the Bible says to pray and I have honestly been praying, searching and seeking God's voice yet I am afraid that even though God hears our (my) prayers, things still do not always work out the way we want or hope for. My biggest fear is "what if His will is not my will?" Even though what I am hoping for is for GOOD to come out of these situations. One situation is a life and death situation with a loved one. Another situation is a serious situation with a child I love very much - a decision is to be made about who she will live with, with the possiblity that I may never see her again.
When a loved one dies, how do we accept it as God's will? Especially when the loved one is not a Christian? Or, if a decision is made about this child and she lives a life of unhappiness, neglect & rejection, how can I believe God heard my prayers? This is what I've been struggling with...even though I want what is best for these people, the best may not happen for them. All around the world there is pain and suffering - God allows it to happen...what if he allows it to happen in my circumstances?
It has been a battle within myself for the past 2 weeks. I have cried many tears, searched for answers and questioned God many times. The following quote sums up what I'm struggling with:
"He is mighty to save, but He didn't save. He delights in giving us the desires of our hearts, my heart is broken. He is our refuge and strength, yet I feel vulnerable and weak. He is peace, but fear and insecurities abound. So confusing. So unsettling. And I find myself wondering if God even knows."
I believe God wants me to remember my (our) HOPE is not in this physical world but in Him and His eternal life. I have to believe that even in this hopeless world, there is HOPE in Him.
"We follow One who is not limited or defeated by the world's sufferings. Hope does not mean that we will avoid or be able to ignore suffering, of course. The surprise we experience in hope, then, is not that, unexpectedly, things turn out better than expected. For even when they do not, we can still live with a keen hope. The basis of our hope has to do with the One who is stronger than life and suffering. Faith opens us up to God's sustaining, healing presence."
I am trying to remember that if my life does come crashing down around me this week (or any week) that I still have hope, all is not lost and God has not forgotten nor failed me.
6 comments:
I am sorry you are going through this, Tammy. I hope it all works out the way you want it to.
Nikki
Tammy,
Love your raw and authentic post. I will pray that God gives you peace as He answers your prayer according to His will, whether it is your desired outcome or not. May the Peace of Christ be with you!
I don't know what else to say, I can see by your post that God has been very clear. The struggle we have is indeed when His will is not ours and vice versa. It is then that our faith is shaken to the core and we wonder, what kind and loving God would let this happen? The answer is His and His alone, until we get there. And sometimes in this world we are blessed enough that He says something to us. He lets us in on a little plan, or a secret, or a promise, and suddenly hope is restored.
The pain we suffer in the life is the result of a fallen world. One that God chose to offer His son to so the price could be paid and we could seek salvation. If He loves us enough to have sent his son to DIE for us, surely He loves us enough to walk through life with us, and never leave us, even if His plans surprise and devastate us, He is there to hold us.
I am praying for God's gift of salvation for your loved one, and for the gift of "A" to your family.
Tammy,
I am praying for you tonight. I am thinking about the things you are mentioning and they are big. What a silly word. I am praying that God will give you an extraordinary peace no matter what decisions get made. I am sorry you are feeling so heavy
Hugs!
Justine
Sounds like some serious stuff going on, and I will keep you all in my prayers. I know how you feel, it's sometimes hard to trust in Him and follow what He wants for us.
I said a prayer for you and your family today. I will continue to think of you and check up on the progress of your struggle on the blog, if you so wish to share with us. I hope everything works out for you and that you and your family are comforted by the knowledge that God is with you and that others are praying for you during this hard time.
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