Our 4 munchkins on Canada Day
Miss Alyssa
Evan and Alyssa had a blast in our slide pool today! The weather was hot and beautiful and it felt good to enjoy a real summer day at home with the kids! (ask me in a few weeks and it might be a different story...ha ha ha!)
The big splash
Evan's ready to give it a try
Could he be having more fun?!The kids are having a great time together - thank goodness! Alyssa and Evan played a lot today and they were actually laughing and having fun. Alyssa has been a bit stand-offish towards Evan since we came home. The other night we were getting ready for bed and she asked me "Are we keeping Evan for good?". I know it can be a bit confusing for her because we have many foster children who come and go and we have explained to her many times that Evan was being adopted like she was but...she's only 4 and it's still confusing. I couldn't tell if she was disappointed or not when I told her, "Yes, Evan is staying with us for good!".
So, I am looking for advice/input!!! We have contact info for Evan's foster mother - I know she is missing Evan so much and I know Evan is missing her. Do you think I should let Evan talk to her on the phone? Do you think it will be too much for him to handle? Maybe she can offer him some comfort that I can't? Please let me know what you think!!
16 comments:
I would definately let him speak to her on the phone. Oh how I would LOVE to have contact to my little one's foster mom. Letting her see her one last time at the orphanage was the best thing we ever did for her. It gave her reassurance that she was going to be OK and that her foster mom approved of where she was. It will be a tough call no doubt but I think it would be very beneficial.
BTW you can see some comments I received while I was in China trying to decide whether or not it was a good idea to see the foster mom. Here is the link:
http://myshelbybaby.blogspot.com/2007/11/advice-please.html
Aaaah, poor little Evan. As much as you knew this was coming, it's must be so hard to see him in so much pain. All you can do is continue to love him like you have been.
As far as contacting his foster mom, that's a tough one. When I was a kid and went to camp, I was very homesick. It always made me feel worse to talk to my mom on the phone because then I just wanted to be with her. I know that's totally different but that's the closest thing I can relate it to. On the other hand, it may make him feel a lot better to know that she's only a phone call away and although he can't be with her, hearing her voice may be comforting for him. Yikes, what a decision.
I will pray for you as you make this decision and then do whatever you feel is best.
Hang in there Tammy. Try hard to get as much sleep as possible. These things are much easier to handle when you're well rested.
Sending (((hugs))) your way.
k
By the way, the pics are great! I especially love the one of all four kids . . . and yes, they are way too cute! :)
k
Hello;
I've been purusing your blog for a few days now, because my husband and I are planning to move to PEI in a couple of years AND we've started talking about adopting a baby from Ethiopia. So mad researcher that I am, I went on a google hunt to find families in PEI who adopted internationally (I've heard there are difficulties).
First off, what a beautiful, beautiful family you have! Second, thank you so much for this blog, even though I'm a total stranger to you I've found it uplifting and informative. Thirdly, it is a tough question for you, no doubt. Not being an adoptive parent I can't answer from experience. But this website looks like it has good resources http://www.informedadoptions.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=285&Itemid=66 and this blog is by a pastor's wife whose family includes a trans-racial open adoption http://www.welcometomybrain.net/ and the experiences of being in touch with bio-family.
Sorry for such a long response. (But to make it even longer... funny fact, I also noticed you mentioned your husband was a Technical Writer at Inovatia - my husband Shawn still is, small world!)
All the best,
Denise
Poor little Evan! I would think it could be a real gift to talk to his foster mother while he's going through this transition - being able to stay in touch with the woman who shaped his first 5 years could be so beneficial.
That said, it looks like you've got several "voices of experience" to listen to, and I would listen to them before me!
To answer the question you left on my blog... nope! no rush of referrals while you were away. It seems that they're still trickling in ever couple of weeks or so. Oh well. C'est la vie! (Unfortunately!)
Prayinf for wisdom for you. All I know is that the time our son was able to spend with his caregiver and friends in the SWI was invaluable to him. We could tell in an obvious way that it took some weight off of his shoulders. I'll be praying for wisdom for you. I'm sad to hear about his tears, but happy to see the photos of he and his sibs together!
Shelley in BC
I've been reading your blog before you, Chris, and Caleb left for China. You know that I’m really blown away by your family—and although he may not fully appreciate it yet (what 5-year-old would?), Evan is a really, really blessed child to be with all of you.
I tend not to be a ‘comment-poster’ (I’d rather read then write), but as a person who was adopted, and because you’re seeking advice, I have a few thoughts about contacting Evan’s foster mum that you may want to consider:
I agree with ‘K’ that calling can be a double-edged sword—on one hand it may make Evan feel better, but on the other, it may make him miss his foster mum more.
As much as Evan has become a member of an amazing family, he has also been through a considerable shock and trauma (everything is new to Evan: people, smells, surroundings, sounds… and although a lot of this newness is fun, he will still misses all of the ‘old’ stuff --for lack of a better word.) And at 5 years old, Evan’s ‘MaMa’ is comfort to him.
If talking with his foster mum eases some of the shock and trauma that Evan experiences, then it may just be the best choice for him. But that choice should come with a plan…
If I were in your shoes, I would attempt to ‘wean’ my child. Sure, he can speak with his foster mum, but only on pre-set times (schedule the calls, i.e.: every second Thursday night for 10 minutes) so that when he has sad times he knows he can look forward to speaking with her. After a month (or two), cut the calls back to once a month, for example. I would try hard to stick to the schedule and not ‘give in’ and call her when he’s upset as it may encourage possible ‘over-acting’ on his part just so he can talk with her.
Those are just my thoughts… Really, you’re doing a great job and with all of the love you and your family have for Evan, it won’t take long for him to realize that all of this ‘new’ is exactly where he’s supposed to be.
After you’re all feeling more settled, we’ll have to get our two five-year-olds together for some play time (Evan and Ivan… it could get interesting…)!
P.S.: Sorry my post was so lengthy!
I am glad the kids are doing well. Perhaps it would be good for Evan to talk to his foster mother as long as he knows that she was the past and now he is living in a forever home. He will get over it eventually but it's going to take time since he's an older child.
Hugs
I know a lady in America who adopted a 2 1/2 year old boy and his 5 month old twin sisters. They had phone contact with his birth mum and it did him good. He talked of her as his Enat, but it was clear that he had a new mummy. But he BEAMED when he had talked to her. From what I read it seemed to be very good for him.
I would let Evan talk to her. We don't know what goes on in little heads. I knew a girl once, age 9, who was hit by a car. Her best friend was hit at the same time. The doctors did not tell the first child the condition of the second child. Because of this the first child thought the second child had died! She grieved and noone knew what was wrong with her. Weeks later they found out and told her the child was alive and healing! Wow! The trauma she went through. In reality one lost a leg, and the other had internal injuries, but they both lived.
If Evan does not speak to his foster mother he might not know she is 'okay'. You know?
I pray that if contact can be had for our girls, that we will be able to.
Blessings, Justine
Hi Chris and Tammy,
I will certainly be praying for you as you try to make the best decision for Evan. If I were in your shoes, it would be difficult to know what was best for long term and/or short term.
Some questions you could consider would be:
What are you and Chris comfortable with, concerning Evan's welfare?
Imagine you were Evan...would you want to talk with your 'MaMa'?
How will you handle Evan if he is emotional after the conversation?
How might you help teach him about boundaries concerning calling her?
Is now the right time to make the call?
Would waiting for a little bit before calling be best?
Would making a set time be helpful for Evan to understand and with his transition?
Given that you have Evan's foster mother's contact information what are your long term plans for their contact on the phone together?
How will you communicate with her?
Pros and Cons lists are always helpful to allow us to consider every possibility good or not so good. As you see it in black and white you may be able to see it more objectively.
Lots of questions, I know...sorry. Just trying to consider some aspects for you.
I am so happy that you update your blog as often as you do. We are thinking of you all often, wonder how you are doing, and missing you all like crazy!
Dawn
Hi Tammy and Chris and the Gang!
First things first, keep up the great work! What a wonderful blessing you are to Evan and all of your children. I love to read your blog and hear about what is new in your lives.
I think you've gotten some wonderful advice in the other comments. I definitely agree with Dawn that making a pro/con list would be a great way to help you make this decision. Having a plan for the contact would also be great; that way Evan also knows what is happening, and it's one thing that is predictable for him right now when lots of things probably aren't.
Is there a way that you can have a translator present when/if you do call? I think that would be my greatest concern. I'd want to be able to communicate with his foster mom myself, that way she would also know what the plan (for future contact) was.
I know that you will make the right decision and that God will work through your actions.
Love you all!
Susan
Great to see all of your kids together :)
I would pray and ask for discernment.
Welcome home Evan!! So happy to see you are back home with your little boy!
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