What are our family's thoughts on raising children from different cultural backgrounds?
I think both Chris and I would agree that it is challenging to raise culturally different children in a community and province that is primarily caucasian. We "think" we are preparing our children and we are trying to read as much and prepare as much but in reality, we have no idea what we will face in the next 5-20 years with our children. I may "think" I'm doing things right because I'm teaching my children about their culture, showing them their country and educating them on their traditions and history. But, even in doing all this, we will never be able to understand what it means to lose a birth culture, to constantly wonder about birth families but have no way to get answers, to feel like we don't fit in completely here in Canada nor do we fit in completely in our homeland. Will I know when my child is hurting from being the only asian? the only african? the only south american? When it's time, will I be able to let them go to "find themselves" in their birth countries if that's what they chose. Will I be strong enough to accept that it's not a slight against me if they choose to pursue their birth families or culture? That their anger and hurt may be directed at us because we thought we could give them everything they needed but instead we took them from everything they had?
Do I think children should be placed in similar cultural backgrounds/religion? Actually, I do. If a child can be cherished and loved in a family of similar background then I think they have the right to grow up learning and embracing their cultures first hand.
I am also of the mindset that children can certainly thrive and become happy, well adjusted adults growing up in families that are not of the same cultural background. Obviously, if there is no other choice, a child should go with a family of any cultural background if they will be loved, protected, cherished and safe. I also think past bonds can play a big part in what is best for a child. If a child already has strong, healthy attachment to a family or person, then it would be best to strengthen that bond. Do you know there are thousands of children who go through their life without having any healthy attachments? It is so sad. And if a family from another culture can provide a child with a healthy attachment, then so be it.
Obviously I'm a strong advocate for adoption. I love adoption and what it has done for our family. But I don't kid myself...adoption presents many, many challenges. Our family's responsibilities to our adopted children are so much more than simply loving them. I'm also a strong advocate for families staying together. Probably more so now that we've adopted than before. Through fostering, we've realized how important the birth connection is to a child (even when the birth connection is not good). Children crave a birth connection...they want to know on some level that their birth parents loved them and wanted them. So, there are tons of cases where keeping families together and providing supports for them to be together is best.
Oh, there are no easy answers, that's for sure. I think the bottom line for me is, I truly, truly believe all children need and deserve to be loved by a family. To be protected, safe and cherished by someone.
Even though some may think our family is too big or too overwhelming, I really believe we will continue fostering and adopting as long as there is a need. It is difficult, it is overwhelming and exhausting, yet every day I see the miracle of the children living in my home. How could I not want to be part of more miracles???
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"No one said it would be easy....they just said it would be worth it" (on having children)
Thank you to those who answered my question in the last post. It is a controversial issue and there certainly isn't a right answer or simple answer. I know Chris and I will have to "face the music" with Alyssa and Evan (and any other child we may adopt) in the future as they struggle to figure out all the "whys"....why were they abandoned, why didn't their parents want them enough, why were they taken from everything they knew, why were they raised in an all-white community, etc...
6 comments:
Holy Ouch anonymous poster.
Tammy is a wonderful dedicated mom and can handle more than most! She is honest and super caring to all children!
Now, bugger off anonymous!!
Krista
That anonymous comment is just disgraceful! And to you Tammy - thank you for all of your encouraging words to me since we first "met".
Shelley
As someone who always thought of your blog as Christian based I am surprised by your last entry and its vindictiveness towards someone who, at your request, only offered you their personal opinion. You may not agree with it, but with a blog as public as yours you have to be mature enough to accept that not every opinion you receive will be to your liking.
Surely a Christian should be recognized by their words as well as their actions? ‘Turning the other cheek’ and being accepting of different opinions would have been a better choice than biblical quotations along with threats and unpleasantness in my opinion. Perhaps if pleasantries from people that agree with you are all you want to hear when you ask for advice you should consider making your blog open to your personal friends only.
Hi Sonshine,
Yes I asked for people's opinion on whether people felt children should be placed in similar cultural/religious backgrounds. I didn't ask for people's opinion on whether I should consider adopting again and I certainly didn't ask people to speculate on whether I am having "trouble keeping up" with my family right now. THAT is what was vindictive and vicious.
Also, I in no way threatened anyone. I challenged my anonymous commenter to contact me personally if they wanted to discuss my capabilities as a parent and my desire to adopt again.
Something you may not know about me is that I don't mind controversy at all. I often ask for people's opinion on my blog and I look forward to hearing responses, even if they differ from mine. What I do mind, is when someone personally attacks me and my family on this blog and then doesn't have the guts to leave their name along with their opinions.
Tammy
Let me just say what I know to be true.
You LOVE your kids, endlessly. You love other people's kids, you have shown that in the beautiful parties you have thrown for them, the self-esteem you have boosted in them, and the selfless giving of yourself you have given them to make sure they have every comfort and opportunity before they leave your home.
You have wrapped your arms around children who have hurts so deep you can't possibly know how to help them, but there you are, crying with them and providing a level of security they have never known before. You fly to other provinces to love kids. You teach your kids to feed others who have less. You answer your phone and emails to distraught adoptive parents and give them the peace of knowing they are not alone in their agonizing waits for their children to come home.
You give christmas to families that otherwise could not afford it. Your home is open to everyone. You travel to 3rd world countries on the pretenses of a vacation, but instead your heart thinks of those you can reach out to, so you bring gifts for them and spend the day in their towns, learning about them and loving them. You cry over the hurts of others and reach out to those who have lost oved ones long ago, but their pain is as real today as it was then. You give people a sense of comfort, and the only time I have ever seen any discomfort among people in your presence is because you have given them a sense of accountability, that they can do better than live a selfish life.
People have faith in you, because you don't conform to the rules, you demand better for everyone, even if it goes against the flow. You find it hard to pay your bills sometimes, but still you give. You brought about the means to give an entire play set to Alyssa's orphanage. You coached basketball for your son. You make sure that Evan and Alyssa have every opportunity to embrace their Chinese culture, even when you have no idea how you will find the time to actually get them there.
You learned to say "I love you" in 5 different languages, each one respresenting your children's languages, because that's what you want to be able to say to them in their native tongue. You remember that people struggle with sickness, finances and loss even when they have wronged you or hurt you in the past. You give and you give and you give. You are MY friend.
SMILE :)
Your friend, M.
What a beautiful loving post. When I answered your question in the earlier post, I later regreted that I hadn't made clear that I felt that all I've read in your blog shows your deep love for your children and your motives do shine through as being in their interest. That my comments were more a general way of things, than to your specific situation. In issues this deep and personal there is never a one size fits all answer....
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