As you know, Chris and I have been fostering for more than 11 years (we stared really young :-)). There have been times when it's been extremely difficult to watch children leave and go home to their birth families. That's the truth. Not all children are going home to nice families, clean homes, proper care, etc...
Sometimes I find it very hard to let the children go...knowing what is waiting for them....sometimes I can't justify them having a sucky life just to live with mom. My social worker once told me that I have an extremely high standard for parenting and not all families can meet those standards and that I shouldn't expect families to have those standards. So, this is has been on my mind a lot as we continue to foster children and see them go home.
WHAT DO YOU THINK? WHERE DO YOU STAND? Do you think it's better for a child to have a "sucky" life but live with birth parents or do you think it's better for a child to have a great life with caring individuals who are not their birth parents?
By "sucky" I don't mean extreme physical and sexual abuse. Hopefully children will NOT be placed back into homes with those risks. Hopefully....
I mean things like living in an environment where they aren't kept clean, clothes are dirty, torn, not enough food to eat, sent to school without lunches, homework is never completed and parents don't take the time to help with it, not many friends because they are "dirty" or "poor", parents don't take an interest in the child, there are no loving touches, quality communication between parent and child, no effort to build confidence and self-esteem in the child, verbal and emotional abuse, neglect, etc, etc, etc....
I know the general public would be shocked to know how many of the children in our communities are growing up in homes like this.
I have seen many, many children absolutely blossom and thrive in foster homes. After weeks and months in care they lose the vacant look, they become happy & confident, they are not afraid, they don't cower when you discipline them (with voice, not physical!), they begin to show interests in activities, etc...
I am NOT saying the answer is having children grow up in foster homes. I believe each and every child needs a permanent family of their own. But, I would lean more towards thinking IT IS BETTER for a child to have a great life with caring individuls rather than have a sucky life and sucky parents but have to live that way because they are with their birth parents.
What do you think? I really want to hear your point of view! You don't have to use your name, just sign in under "Anonymous" if you want.
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7 comments:
Of course, when you pose the question like that, the obvious answer is that children deserve good (not "sucky") homes. But I think we have to be very careful about treading on parents' rights. It's not that I don't think children have rights; they do. But it'd be a slippery slope to rich people just saying "these kids are better off with me than their poor parents. " Sadly, this is often the attitude of those adopting internationally.
No need for me to be anonymous. I am an adoptive parent but also placed a child for adoption as a teenager. But it was MY choice, not that of the government or his adoptive parents, about whether I was ready or able to parent or not.
You asked!
Ahhhh tricky question Tammy... Could this also extend to video games & TV substituting for real parenting? It's something we see in our lives parents who are checked out and not investing in lives of kiddos and teaching them real life skills but because of work obligations, school obligations etc. don't have energy at the end of the day left over to really invest. It is ironic as well that home studies, criminal checks etc. etc. have to be done when one adopts but everyone can have biological children without any regulations.. it's a complex issue I think.. and I'm not sure I really have answers just more questions.. about what is the face of neglect really? Can it look different in different families?
Your posts always get me thinking Tammy. I agree that children, all children deserve homes in which they are loved, nurtured, and cared for. I'm not sure if it matters just who this love comes from but that it's there. I would guess that it would be more harmful to a child to live with a birth parent who takes care of them but doesn't love them (the way children need to be loved) than for that child to live in an environment where they are loved AND taken care of by people who aren't their birth parents.
There is so much I would like to say about the cycles of poverty and poor education, but basically it is a cycle that is hard to break. Potentially children who are given the right opportunities and the right support from loving role models can break the cycle.
I don't think that being poor goes hand in hand with children being mistreated (I know you didn't say that). I'm sure there are lots of families where everything seems ok on the outside; where the children's physical needs are met (or exceeded) but their spiritual and emotional needs are not.
I haven't seen what you have seen in the fostering world, but I have seen children who ache for their families to be whole again. I have seen teens who would do anything for some love and attention from their divorced parents. I have seen what happens when parents put themselves as individuals ahead of their families, and it's ugly.
Thanks for your thoughts. I don't think any child anywhere should have to live a sucky life.
This question can have so many answers depending on what side of the fence you grew up on. I do agree that is doesn't matter if you are poor or rich you can always be a bad parent. I do believe that every child deserves to have a loving home. Though I think that some parents only know what they have been taught. It's a sad cycle that we can find some of us fall in. I feel that children should be with their parents as long as the parents are being taught how to parent properly. If that can't happen then yes please put that child into a loving home that they can have the life they deserve.
I also don't agree that those of us that are adopting internationally are all "rich" and have that attitude to split up a family just because we want a child. I don't disagree that there are people out there with that attitude but to put us all in that same boat isn't fair. That is just my thoughts.
I too worry that this is a slippery slope. Do we distinguish between the "poor and dirty" neglected kids and the rich and pampered but also neglected kids? Where do we draw the line on what is abuse and gives someone else the right to remove children from their home? Some atheists(Richard Dawkings) have said that raising children in a religious home is a form of emotional abuse... now I totally don't agree with that, but again if the line gets drawn too sharply, could courts interpret it that way? Also what about the children who, though they may not be getting the quality of love and attention that is best to help them thrive and grow still desperately want to be reunited with birth families? (When I worked at the Ministry for Children and Families, I saw this a lot). What about the ties to the grandparents, aunts and uncles who are a part of the children's history? How do we know that these parents don't WANT to be better parents, but don't have the tools or knowledge of how? Would it not, in that case be better to support those parents in learning? Also, what about siblings? Not all foster or adoptive homes are open to large or even small sibling groups. Breaking up brothers and sisters who love and can support each other may be doing more harm than keeping them together in a mildly neglectful home.
A lot of questions, I know. And I DO understand your pain at seeing precious children placed in situations where they are not given all the love and care that would be best. But also, it's easy to judge (I'm not saying at all that you are in this post, or in what you've said about this before...just an observation) and sometimes we don't see all the aspects of a family or home.
Anyway, that's my recession priced 2 cents.
wow ihave not been checking your blog and you are back at it full force and amazing/provoking thoughts! keep it up.
i agree w/the slippery slope comments. one thing you failed to ask: what does the CHILD think about their sucky life? i have foster care and adoption experience, and at some level, the child in all of those situations seems to wish for their bio family, not the 'better' life. And some, when they reach adulthood, can acknowledge it was for their good, but some never do. Are there many who look back and say, i wish my parents had made that decision early on??? Believe me i have thought about these things looking into the faces of 4 adopted kids, and hoping that they will agree with me " i am so glad we have this life together". I will let you know (call back in 20yrs)
sk
I have followed your blog for a long time, but since having my son 2 months ago, haven't had time to catch up until now. You can see him on his website if you'd like at http://marin.mrorex.com.
I agree with your way of thinking on the topic discussed. I think a child's well-being should come before any parent's "rights". I've seen many a child returned to a crappy home just because of the parent's "rights". Ridiculous.
My mom actually had a lady tell her to "mind her own business" when she intervened on her beating her 3 year old with a belt in a mall parking lot. Good thing is, my mom called the cops on the lady and she was cited for beating the child. It was so sad, but I was glad my mom stepped in to help.
I think as someone else pointed out, even "rich" people abuse their children by not meeting their emotional needs. I wanted to just slap this man that we saw at the beach in the Bahamas that wouldn't get off his stupid Blackberry to go play with his 2 sons who were begging him to play with them. He just kept shooing them away and "working". I felt so badly for those kids. Years from now, that man will look back and wonder why his sons don't want to visit him. It will be because he didn't give them attention when they needed it. Sad.
People think my husband is nuts because he is taking advantage of his full 6 weeks of paternity leave to spend with our son. They act like he should't "want" to be with him. I'm glad he's turning out to be a hands on dad. We need more of those.
I think your family is just beautiful! I hope you get good news one of these days soon about the little one you are wanting to adopt.
MaLeah (Nashville, TN)
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